Hey You !

Are you going away with no word of  farewell ? Will there be not a trace left behind....? Hope the drive is smooth and the highway to your liking. I will always remember the drives with you -the fast ones and the slow ones . The best ones and the worst ones - the first one and the last one , where you still overtook the car in which I was traveling . And there is no tribute , because I do not know how to say goodbye to a person who occupied 3/4th of my life .......

Some days are ominous and despite my pep-me ups and Bhaskar's goading I just go back to the theory of  "opoyoa" !!! Bhaskar kept telling me about a single pup that became  a plaything among the group of strays that are a part of our street. A single stray pup is strange - cos usually there is a litter. Bhaskar would tell me how playful that pup is and how frisky it is . I happened to chance upon it for the first time last night on my way back- and even at 11.00 clock it was surrounded by it's surrogate family and kept playing with the mom which kind of bit it lovingly. I clicked a few pics with the mobile  camera whose battery was on it's way out - promising myself to be back for more. Baba of late is not well and nights are tedious with him being restless and delirious. I woke up to a morning that had the care giver complain and crib about Baba troubling her. Not an easy day and not an easy night and I just went to the balcony to tell my driver that I shal...

Coming home after a month is always a mixed feeling - I miss my freedom  to do what I please and go where I want to go, yet I know I cannot turn my back to all that I am responsible for. Ah !My life of a solitary pigeon ..... The sea beach with its vibrant life had suddenly made me miss Chibu. He was supposed to join us - but couldn't ! Whenever  I would complain that Bhaskar is being boring and it would have been so much fun if he was there, his refrain was an "eitto...next time"! This pigeon reminded me of the time when we would take him to the park above Pallika Market in Delhi and he, all of 2+ in a bright blue parka  would chase them and feel happy to see them fly away- this was a ritual and he called the pigeons "guguroo" and the place "guguroo tarabar jayega"! Mothers are a strange species , remembers strange episodes at strange places..... To solitude and freedom - amen!

This frame still remains at my room in Mainak. This was in 1989, the time that Bubu and Lipi got married, four years after us. In our household anniversary always takes a back seat , cos I always back track on celebrations....what is there to celebrate ? :D That's my usual refrain...I am ready to celebrate birthdays, happy days, rose days anyday instead....... Even now I am not sure what to say- a strange phenomena cos I am rarely short of words. Crossing 30 years wasn't easy- but it wasn't difficult either as an afterthought.  It wasn't a smooth sailing , but it wasn't a standstill either . Corny as it may sound it still is in many ways like the Shirley Bassey song :)

Rose Day also happens to be my Father-in -laws birthday and it is a coincidence that the rose bush just outside my window has blossomed into a multitude of  crimson blooms. Sitting with my mid-morning coffee and watching the spider weaving an intricate web around the leaves and thorns I could actually feel the spring in the air- the touch of warmth , the cuckoo calling  and FM talking about the V-day approaching. Not that it matters to me- I am more a voyeur than a participant in many ways. My father -in -law veered in the present and the far and the very far down the memory lane - talking about elephants to cheer me up maybe. I am still not sure how I feel actually - I still am  not sad and not happy either. I am little numb , a little dazed and I still feel am a spectator watching a film that is unfolding and I am hoping it will end the way I want it to end. But life I know is unpredictable - and the "kirdaar"s are not my marionettes. And leaving Chibu at the airp...

These days my household is on a departure mode- half packed suitcases, clothes , knick-knacks and frayed temper. The last one month and a half had been a tumultuous one , with me looking out for a silver lining everyday- Bhaskar pushing me out of the house at times to get me out of the brooding mode - All of us living in our isles of misery...though I always said this will not last and misery like medicine comes with an expiry date... And now it's time for us to leave the nest one by one - me with a heavy heart for a change. Chibu's expressions are inscrutable, it's difficult to guess what's going in his head. Bhaskar is  uncertain. The nest will have the fledgling gone...and I am sad , happy, uncertain , numb and in a myriad state of confusion. I always thought I was the eagle mum- hardcore when it's time for fledglings to fly....but with the test approaching I have a feeling  I will fail miserably.....

 These days I often think of  this image of dragonfly with the sun reflecting on it's transparent wings. Of a horde flying over water and their wings breaking into a million sparkles of sunshine. I wish I could catch happiness just like the dragonfly's wings catch the sunray and spread it around . I have this fetish for wholeness- in relationships, in objects, in profession, in health and this constant feeling of amiss is disconcerting. I live in the present and know all this will not last and a year from now all this will not matter. I will win some and lose some and I will move on......... Yet I want to catch the sunlight and spread it around to bring the smile back on the faces of those who need it.... When you wish good things for the others, good things come back to you... Unconditionally wishing for good things to happen to others ....