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Someday when my crying stops , I'll wear a smile and walk in the sun.....

Of late there is nothing happy to write about -  My social life even with Bhaskar's prodding refuses to take off.  I keep thinking of watching a movie, catching up with friends  or go off on a holiday ..but nothing happens. I am at a standstill phase watching the merry -go -round spinning away.....
Well , I am sure Baba would not approve of this - he who loved life and lived every moment and called his gang "amra chele ra" would say "dhoosh..shobai ki aar chiiro kaal benche
thakbe ?"to the incessant mourning in my heart. Though he did come back in my dreams and held me tight as I cried buckets holding him tight , while he prepared to go away talking about the clothes and knick-knacks that he will take with him standing in front of his room at Mainak.
 I cried the way I could not cry because we did not want my father-in -law to know that Baba was gone that morning. I cried from my heart because I won't see him again , hold him tight - fight with him and feel that immense love which he called 'maya'.
In my dream he was like before , all well and healed and holding me like he did when I was a baby.....
Life is strange - I felt funny as I signed the papers of ownership of the flat that was all along my "baaper bari". I felt queasy as I opened the doors knowing that Baba would not be sitting on his favorite easy chair watching TV and say "esho.." to welcome me. I know someday soon I will stay there and realize that the room next to mine is  empty - permanently. I remember a night long ago when I woke up with my bed shaking and realized that it was actually an earthquake and ran to my parents bedroom. Ma's solution was "Shiggiri moshari te esho", little realizing that nylon mosharis are no protection for earthquakes especially if you are living in a high-rise!
Death is always bigger than life - and acceptance takes so long . In my head I know he would have hated it if he was bedridden and bed-sored and lifeless - That would have been worse than death. I guess Baba was at peace in the end , because he looked like he was sleeping blissfully ....so much so that even till the end I was hoping may be he will suddenly open his eyes and ask "ki hochchche ta ki?'
Heartbreaks take a long time to mend ....like my Scrabble buddie John  said "You will always miss him. But it does get easier with time, and you will reflect your life with him with a lovely smile...."
And him , I am sure is saying cheers to afterlife .....
Someday when my crying stops , I too shall wear a smile and walk in the sun ........

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